Ugly crying is Beautiful to God

Yesterday was a very trying day. I had registration and pre-op. This was supposed to be on Thursday but got rescheduled for yesterday. At registration I was told that we would need to pay a $250 co-insurance deductible. I told the lady (I wish I had gotten her name) that I should not have anything to pay. I have meet my year total out of pocket expense. She was very understanding. I spent about an hour on the phone with the insurance, and I do not have to pay any more money. If the person that had talked to the hospital had read, they would have seen that I have a N/A beside that part of my insurance. I am very blessed to have good insurance. It may take forever talking with them, but the do take care of all my questions.

Next came the pre-op stuff. I had gotten it into my head that I would meet some of the team that would be caring for me. No idea why I thought it. I just did. The pre-op folks are the pre-op for everyone. I think they took about 10 vials of blood. Chest x-rays, EKG, blood gas test, urine sample and nose swab (that I hated). The hardest part was signing all the papers. Even thinking about it makes my eyes burn. Signing papers made everything more real.

Everything is out of my control. I do know that control is an illusion. I like my illusion; thank you very much. I am also aware of my need to micromanage everything. I have not been able to do that with any of this. I met my surgeon for maybe five minutes in April. That is the one and only time I have seen him. I have heard and read amazing and wonderful things about him. He is one of the best in the nation and above all he is a humble servant of God. That should be sufficient. Until today, that wasn’t enough. Today the thing that matters is that He loves God. God loves me and has placed this surgeon to care for me. Now I have cried out to God many times that this person is a stranger to me. I am not comfortable at all with this. What I get back from God is this: My grace is sufficient. Do you trust Me to care for you? Do you trust Me to provide for you? Leah do you trust in Me to love you?

John 21 comes to my mind, the part where Jesus restores Peter. This interaction between Jesus and Peter has been one that is engraved upon my heart. Three times Jesus asked Peter if he loved Him. Three times Peter answered with a Yes. Three times I have answered with No, but I want to.

There is a song that I started singing as a prayer a few months back. Horizon by ICF Worship. I will post the video link. Verse 2 is what my heart sang out . “I step into the unknown, on uncharted ground. I will trust in You.

You are full of promise, and Your word is true. I will trust in You. I will trust in You”

Heartfelt prayers will be answered. And ugly crying happens. I believe that ugly crying is beautiful to God.

Many, many, many years ago, I went to summer camp, and they did this trust game. You had to fall backwards into a team of people. You had to trust that they would catch you. I refused to do it. Today, here I am on uncharted ground. I am letting go, falling backwards with my eyes on You. Trusting in You to catch me. Even as I say this, I have no words for what I feel. Only tears and a runny nose.

If I could build a team of people to catch me, I think I would do it. But that was not the point in the building of trust. I do not get to build my team of doctors and caregivers during this time. God has the team built, and He is over it all. I have to trust in the One that Loves me. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjAECdVxyxQ

Pray For One Another

When a person is so broken and even though they cry out in prayer, they need to know that others are praying for them.

Sometimes the most valuable thing we can do for a person is to pray for them and with them.

When we pray, something always happens. Isaiah 55:11

When we pray, we offer sacrifice to God. We are a priestly people, (1 Peter 2:9 KJV-

“But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light; )

Part of the priesthood is offering sacrifice to God. We sacrifice our time, we offer our mental, and emotional investment to God in prayer on behalf of others 

“Often the most important thing you can do for them is to pray. However, I encourage you to tell them when you are praying for them (unless you sense it might be taken in the wrong way). In my experience, almost everyone who’s facing a serious need (whether it is an illness or some other difficulty) will be encouraged by knowing someone is praying for them.” Billy Graham January 18, 2008

“Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord in ceasing to pray for you; but I will teach you the good and the right way.” 1 Samuel 12:23

“I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, 4 always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, 5 for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; 7 just as it is right for me to think this of you all, because I have you in my heart, inasmuch as both in my chains and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel, you all are partakers with me of grace. 8 For God is my witness, how greatly I long for you all with the affection of Jesus Christ. 9 And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, 10 that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, 11 being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. Philippians 1:3-11

God-glorifying, Christ-centered prayers for others can be found in Ephesians 1:15–23; 3:14–21; Colossians 1:9–14; 1 Thessalonians 3:9–13; and 2 Thessalonians 1:13–14.

If you have not love...

Luke 8:5-10

5 “A sower went out to sow his seed. And as he sowed, some fell by the wayside; and it was trampled down, and the birds of the air devoured it. 6 Some fell on rock; and as soon as it sprang up, it withered away because it lacked moisture. 7 And some fell among thorns, and the thorns sprang up with it and choked it. 8 But others fell on good ground, sprang up, and yielded a crop a hundredfold.” When He had said these things, He cried, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear!”

9 Then His disciples asked Him, saying, “What does this parable mean?”

10 And He said, “To you it has been given to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God, but to the rest it is given in parables, that

‘Seeing they may not see,

And hearing they may not understand.

I have read and heard this passage many times. The commentary on this passage talks about the hearer of the word… for some the word gets trampled on and taken away before it can take root…some hear but soon forget…others hear but are caught up in many earthly things…then there are those that hear the words live the word and share the word.

 This morning I was thinking that not much is mentioned about the sower. Here are  a few of my thoughts on the sower…

The sower faithfully went forth and sowed. Perhaps the sower saw that the seed got trampled and taken away.  This perhaps sadden the sower yet the sower did not become discouraged. The sower moved on sowing the seed again. This time it was amongst some rocks the sower watched the seed spring up and quickly died. The sower only watched the seed and did nothing to encourage the growth of the seed. Even so the sower continued sowing as called to do.  This time the sower was diligent in providing more of what the seed needing to grow yet the sower was neglectful in removing the thorns. Once again, the sower faithfully moves on perhaps in discouragement none the less moves on with the seed.  Finally, a bountiful crop. What was different about this good ground?  The sower first fertilized the ground with love it was not luck that the seed feel upon good ground. The sower showed kindness and loving care that the ground needed before seeding it. Love grows where kindness shows. The word of God is love. If you have not love the seed will not grow.

To unfriend or not to unfriend

Sometimes it is very hard to practice what I “preach,” be kind and loving, treat others with empathy and compassion, and pray for your “enemy.”  I find that I am disappointed and hurt in the action or lack of action from a person that I consider a friend. That disappointment and hurt has made me feel angry toward this person. I hate feeling this way. My default is to just cut this person out of my life. That way I will no longer be hurt by them. I do not like my feelings being hurt. Not many people do. I have matured in many ways, but this is one area of my life that I have not. I just want to hit that handy little unfriend button that Facebook has made so easily available. The question is, why don’t I? Will they ever know that I did? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I really want to be that childish; save myself from the pain. I also want to send them a message and ask them what the hell is wrong with them? Then I do this whole did I do something wrong? Did I hurt their feelings? Feeling guilty for imagined things is very stupid. And stupid happens. The truth is people are careless and cruel. Sometimes they are very aware of their actions, and other times they are too self-absorbed to notice that they are causing damage. Either way, the root cause is self-centeredness.  I know that I am need of forgiveness, for I have been guilty of hurting feelings. Praise God I am not the person that I was 7 years ago. The reality is I need to let it go and let God be God and do what only He can do.   Perhaps sometimes there are “friendships” that just are not meant to be friendships. I am thankful for those that I can call friend. I am also thankful that those that I call “friend” will not know the difference because of the grace of God. 

Sometimes miracles take years before they can be seen.

My mother in love has challenged me to post my favorite scriptures for 10 days and to challenge 10 of my friends. This passage is very dear to me.  In February 2001 I had a major stroke. I thought that I was going to die. Even the nurses at my neurologist thought I was dying. This was one of the most terrifying events in my life. One day I was so grieved in my spirit  I was crying facedown begging God for answers. ( this was my Gethsemane ) I prayed that whatever God’s will was , even if it was that I was dying, I would accept it. I closed my eyes opened my Bible and let my finger rest on it. Still begging God that He give me an answer do I live or am I dying.

I read this verse Psalm 30:3 O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave; You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

 Let me tell you when I first saw this with blurring vision from my tears all that I saw the word Grave. I cannot express the pain that I felt in that moment. Then I heard this soft voice read it again and understand. I memorized the entire passage. As years went by I had forgotten it.  Last Sunday my father in love gave a wonderful sermon on Psalm 30. It reawakened that promise from my Abba to me and mine to Him.  I just want to note that 16 years ago I had an overwhelming fear and a gross misunderstanding of God. The reason that the passage left me was because I was not in any relationship with God. I had gotten to a point in my life that I had nearly stopped believing.

Sometimes miracles take years before they can be seen.

100 Word Photo Prompt For February

To whom it may concern,

    You are not the first one to pass this way but I cannot promise that you will not be the last. The shadows where long upon the wall foretelling of the darkness that was soon to fall. You walked around the room opening empty draws wishing against hope, to find some lost forgotten treasure left behind from your predecessor. A secret that will stop the passage of time. You turn on the game and wait. You will not wait long. The closer the night draws the hungrier I become.

Sincerely, The Fly on the Wall

I AM A STRANGER ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN.

I am a stranger on the outside looking in.  They stayed together, and I was taken away.  I loved them the very best that I could, but even so I was taken away.  I cried for days and fear abounded at night. What did I do that was so bad that I was taken away? They were good and got to stay together.  I hear that growing up was hard for them, but they stayed together. I was alone living with strangers.  We are adults now, and yet I feel as though I am a stranger on the outside looking in on my brother and sister. They stayed together even when years passed without a word between them. I do not know all the pain that they went through, but they stayed together. They do not know the pain that I went through all alone. Before they came and took us away, I tried my very best to keep the monsters at bay. I do not think they know about all the monsters that lived under our bed.  All I want is to feel like I am a sister and not a stranger. I wonder at times if it is just another monster that has crawled from under the bed and into my head.