Yesterday was a very trying day. I had registration and pre-op.
This was supposed to be on Thursday but got rescheduled for yesterday. At
registration I was told that we would need to pay a $250 co-insurance
deductible. I told the lady (I wish I had gotten her name) that I should not
have anything to pay. I have meet my year total out of pocket expense. She was
very understanding. I spent about an hour on the phone with the insurance, and
I do not have to pay any more money. If the person that had talked to the
hospital had read, they would have seen that I have a N/A beside that part of my
insurance. I am very blessed to have good insurance. It may take forever
talking with them, but the do take care of all my questions.
Next came the pre-op stuff. I had gotten it into my head that I
would meet some of the team that would be caring for me. No idea why I thought
it. I just did. The pre-op folks are the pre-op for everyone. I think they took
about 10 vials of blood. Chest x-rays, EKG, blood gas test, urine sample and
nose swab (that I hated). The hardest part was signing all the papers. Even
thinking about it makes my eyes burn. Signing papers made everything more real.
Everything is out of my control. I do know that control is an
illusion. I like my illusion; thank you very much. I am also aware of my need
to micromanage everything. I have not been able to do that with any of this. I
met my surgeon for maybe five minutes in April. That is the one and only time I
have seen him. I have heard and read amazing and wonderful things about him. He
is one of the best in the nation and above all he is a humble servant of God.
That should be sufficient. Until today, that wasn’t enough. Today the thing
that matters is that He loves God. God loves me and has placed this surgeon to
care for me. Now I have cried out to God many times that this person is a
stranger to me. I am not comfortable at all with this. What I get back from God
is this: My grace is sufficient. Do you trust Me to care for you? Do you trust
Me to provide for you? Leah do you trust in Me to love you?
John 21 comes to my mind, the part where Jesus restores Peter.
This interaction between Jesus and Peter has been one that is engraved upon my
heart. Three times Jesus asked Peter if he loved Him. Three times Peter
answered with a Yes. Three times I have answered with No, but I want to.
There is a song that I started singing as a prayer a few months
back. Horizon by ICF Worship. I will post the video link. Verse 2 is what my
heart sang out . “I step into the unknown, on uncharted ground. I will trust in
You.
You are full of promise, and Your word is true. I will trust in
You. I will trust in You”
Heartfelt prayers will be answered. And ugly crying happens. I
believe that ugly crying is beautiful to God.
Many, many, many years ago, I went to summer camp, and they did
this trust game. You had to fall backwards into a team of people. You had to
trust that they would catch you. I refused to do it. Today, here I am on
uncharted ground. I am letting go, falling backwards with my eyes on You.
Trusting in You to catch me. Even as I say this, I have no words for what I
feel. Only tears and a runny nose.
If I could build a team of people to catch me, I think I would do
it. But that was not the point in the building of trust. I do not get to build
my team of doctors and caregivers during this time. God has the team built, and
He is over it all. I have to trust in the One that Loves me.
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